Courtship must be part of an overriding pursuit of God's glory
Marriage is a key picture of God's relationship with His church
Preserving the sanctity of marriage is a worthy goal, because it relates directly to glorifying God
Specifically, preserving the sanctity of marriage means protecting yourself and the person you are courting, both physically and emotionally, for your future marriage (whether to each other or not)
The core principles of courtship are directed at bringing two people into a marriage relationship while maintaining this protection
The extra work of approaching a relationship this way is completely worthwhile because of the importance of marriage
Our background & circumstances
Common
Both of us have been Christians for several years
Both of us are out of school, working, and living on our own
Have been going to the same church for 2+ years
Jordan's
Raised in Christian family
Parents are 60 miles away
Ashley's
Her parents are in the area
Parents divorced since 1995
Her father is in our church
Our background & circumstances
Good things
Ashley's father (THE AUTHORITY) was close by
Courtship was very much a part of our church's culture
We've had similar worldviews for many years
Neither of us had been in a romantic relationship before
Both in a place in life where marriage made sense
Challenges
Jordan's parents were not as close by
Ashley's parents' divorce
Neither of us had been in a romantic relationship before
Before we began
Jordan's self-evaluation
Character
Am I currently focused on pursuing God and His purposes?
Is there visible spiritual fruit in my life?
Is there unconfessed or habitual sin in my life?
Am I currently submitting myself to my authorities?
Is my life open to correction and input from others?
Am I looking for ways to serve the people I am around now?
Are my spiritual disciplines established enough to lead a wife?
Am I fulfilling my current responsibilities in a consistent and godly way?
Life position
Are there other commitments that need to be considered along with marriage?
Can I support a wife (and potentially children in the near future)?
Jordan didn't replace this area with other signs of care
We didn't make the boundaries we had set known to others for accountability purposes until later
Seeing other couples with different boundaries was difficult
Made "arm around the shoulder" pictures awkward
Our parents were not really involved in setting boundaries
Continuing
Spiritual involvement
Prayer
Regularly prayed together and apart
Prayed for each other and our courtship
Prayed for God's direction, guidance, and wisdom
Shared other prayer needs with each other
Study / Discussion
Went through a book study at church together
Shared what God was showing us individually in our quiet times
Loaned books back and forth
Went through marriage/courtship books with others
Asked questions about scripture we were reading, sermons we'd listened to
Discussed situations at work and at home with each other
Continuing
Good things
Drew much encouragement from prayer time together
Gained different perspectives on issues discussed
Confirmed much of what we had observed about each other
Challenges
Learning to include another person in our prayer lives
Jordan had to learn to initiate spontaneous "group" prayer
Remembering to communicate what we were thinking
Continuing
Role of family
Received counsel from parents, but mostly individually
Jordan met with Ashley's father fairly regularly
Our families were able to get together some
Met with Jordan's parents, but sporadically
Spent more time with Ashley's family, sometimes just at church
Went on camping trip with some of Ashley's family
Spent holidays with each others' families
Continuing
Good things
Jordan pointed Ashley to her father as her primary authority
Ashley was very submissive to her father
Parents provided good insight at all junctures
Different sides of our personalities emerged around family
Challenges and mistakes
Jordan was inconsistent at communicating with his parents
Time with Jordan's parents was rare, and sometimes felt uncomfortable (especially early on), because their relationship with Ashley was getting pushed very fast
Ashley's parents' divorce complicated some gatherings
Continuing
Role of spiritual authorities
Sought counsel of our church leaders during courtship
The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed - Proverbs 15:22
Specific counsel
Don't discuss things that presume you'll be spending your lives together. Find out what you both think about various topics, but don't "make plans".
Looking back, we took this too far
Continuing
Mission trip to Mexico
Good things
Great chance to see each other serve
Each served in different ways, with different gifts
We saw how the other handled stressful situations
Jordan got sick, Ashley nursed him back to health
Challenges
Couldn't serve together much, since the week was so busy
The orphanage asked us to not be a couple during the week
Finishing
Thoughts turn to feelings...
A few months in, we worried about the emotional component
There was fear that we would proceed on logical/rational grounds, and the emotional attachment would not develop
After counsel from parents, we relaxed a little (A LITTLE!) emotionally with each other, not to the point of emotional commitment, but to the point of emotional involvement
Tricky transition, only done when other signs were a go
As soon as we relaxed, emotions began to develop, which was encouraging, but made it much more difficult to keep emotions and assumptions reigned in
Prayer, counsel, and communication were vital here
Within weeks, God was leading us to marriage
Finishing
Good things
The emotional side of our relationship happened last, not first
We had time to evaluate our relationship more objectively
Parents had lots of input at this juncture
Emotions were encouraged, subject to counsel and wisdom
Challenges and mistakes
We are both analytical, so this was a weakness for us both
Emotions were almost thought of as wrong
There were a few weeks where this aspect was in limbo
Jordan should have considered how to approach this before
Finishing
Last steps
Within weeks, the courtship became untenable
Even then, the relationship could have ended with integrity
But not for long... and that was scary...
Jordan: Pray for me, if you would, when you have a moment Brad: What's up? Jordan: To devolve into nerdish language for a moment, I feel like this week is the inflection point of our relationship, and I'm not sure if we're an inverted parabola or an x3 function, but I need to decide soon what I'm going to do Brad: tis true Jordan: We're treading on the point where if this doesn't go to marriage, one or both of us will get hurt. That's a scary point for me.
It was both our desire that the courtship proceed to marriage, but circumstances were an issue for about a month
Finishing
Good things
Jordan submitted even this stage to our parents' authority (getting their blessing before proposing)
Jordan waited for "holiday blush" to fade before proposing (on Jordan's dad's counsel)
Challenges and mistakes
Jordan knew his own thoughts, but Ashley didn't, so it was difficult for Ashley to have patience during the last month
Jordan should have communicated about the direction of the courtship more specifically during the last month
Two couples who were close friends got engaged during the last month, which added to the emotional soup
Summary
Good things
Seeking counsel, being open to correction
Establishing a lot of common ground, enjoying the process
Challenges
Communication (in both directions)
Objectivity vs. emotions
Advice
Involve a few people early and often
Have a clear picture of the overall process before you begin
Be patient with each stage before progressing
Resources
Books
I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris
Boy Meets Girl, by Joshua Harris
The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace
The Exemplary Husband, by Stuart Scott
Reforming Marriage, by Douglas Wilson
Spiritual Leadership: Principles of Excellence for Every Believer, by J. Oswald Sanders